I feel very sad, angry and alone

I feel very sad, angry and alone. Every time I think that things are getting better and I am healing and moving on there comes a day that I can’t stop crying, don’t want to get out of bed, parent my children, clean the house, be a wife or do anything. I am finding it hard on these occasions to have any hope for the future. I am so fortunate in all that I have. It is hard to explain to people how I feel or why I feel that way. Some days I want to surround myself with people and chat about meaningless things. Most days I would rather talk about me and all the pain that I have been through and don’t seem to move past. Other days I couldn’t care less if I ever saw another living person again. On those days it seems that everything makes me so angry and upset that others do. From persons driving like idiots in traffic to mean, rude people in a store. It seems to just set me off and make me feel so resentful that people can get away with treating others in that manner. It makes me angry that I don’t act that way and seem to be the person whom always gets annihilated emotionally, financially etc. My kids are fabulous and I don’t want to deal with them. My husband is the greatest thing in the world and I don’t want to connect, communicate, open up or be intimate with him. I suppose I feel like I am not taken care of and feel completely unable to be responsible for anyone else at any time. I seem to do better one on one but fall apart when there are a lot of responsibilities or people, or things that I have to do or accomplish. I have never been an angry person and find myself being set off by the most ridiculous circumstances or events. I feel as though I have dragged myself through the last two years unsuccessfully and almost dread everyday or moment that comes. I don’t know if I need a very serious break or what. I didn’t have my children yesterday and I almost found myself worse of which is surprising. I thought I might feel a bit better, but no. I don’t know if I need medication but that is out of the question because of our finances. Therapy may help but that is also not an option. I feel so misunderstood and alone. I am surprised at the amount of tears that I can cry and not run out. I am surprised at the number of people who have simply dropped out of my life and have no concern about me or my wellbeing, these are friends and family that I used to think were good people. I deserve so much better than this and at the same time I have it so good. It is like I can see what I do have and how that should make me feel in my life but I am so empty and devoid of any emotion but fear, pain, anger and sadness that I can’t drag my heart to where my body is. Strange. I am not sure but it is almost more hurtful when people assume that I should not feel this way and then I feel like I am either crazy or trying to justify my mental and emotional state. Why can’t I be completely wrecked about my dad shooting himself? Why can’t I be an alcoholic mess? Why should I want to get out of bed, put on a happy face and greet the day? I know this is affecting my kids and I hate that and resent it but can’t seem to do anything to change it. I try to spend time with them, listen to them, hug them, love them, respect them and honor them and it doesn’t seem to be enough. I know they can sense that I am not right and maybe that is why. I just don’t know how to get right. I don’t know how to pull myself together. I don’t know how to move on or move past this. I thought my book idea was going to be such a healing cathartic experience but now I am afraid it will just bring me more rejection and disappointment. I know that it is bringing me frustration because I don’t feel like I can think straight or have an uninterrupted thought. My kids are so whinny and demanding every time I sit down to make a phone call or work on the computer. I should stay up late, driven by this opportunity but it is all I can do to keep myself together until bedtime. I used to be a great speller. I can hardly make it through a sentence without one misspelled word now. I am so completely blown away by all of the ways this event has affected and changed my life and myself. I wish I could make it all go away and get back to good. Get back to the place where I could fool myself into thinking people actually cared about me. Get back to the place where I could laugh about something normal without having a drink in my belly. Get back to the place where jokes about head wounds and sure shots weren’t the only thing that would make me giggle without a drink. Back to the place where black humor wasn’t the only humor I know.