Fear VS Love

This website has been a labor of love and a part of my life now for over seven years. The book I am writing is the same. Why does it take so long? My work lurches forward, stops when there is a mental health crisis, begins slowly again, is infused with passion and commitment when I have a mentor or friend urge and coach me forward, and then comes to a stagnant stand still again when fear grips my soul.

Fear runs rampant in my mind and heart when:

  • things are mentioned like “liability” “offending suicide survivors” “disclaimers” “you are not a doctor” “you don’t know what it is like” “you shouldn’t include that part of the story even though it is fact or truth”
  • people judge harshly my own journey, my own story from 30 words they hear or read and then proceed to attack me
  • professional organizations don’t respond to emails or phone calls
  • professional organizations pacify my requests for research and resources for loved ones affected by attempted suicide by telling me I can always call 1-800-273-TALK
  • professionals don’t respond to my emails or phone calls that are requests for research or information
  • professionals forward my emails of requests to people who aren’t even a part of their organization and don’t have any of the connections or resources I am requesting but then that person proceeds to tell me how what I am doing isn’t valid, or necessary or they aren’t a part of that organization I originally emailed and they don’t know anything about research being done
  • professionals dismiss the need for resources for people in our situation because we haven’t “suffered a loss” and thus don’t have any valid reason for needing resources.

I can go on and on but these are the top things that stop me in my tracks, make me sob, make me angry, make me question this works validity, makes me stop my work all together for weeks or months at a time.

How is it that mental health professionals and organizations don’t see this need and want to collaborate, educate, validate, assist and answer simple questions?

I woke up this morning after a few weeks of the fear gripping my heart like the bony hand of the reaper lived in my chest, and felt love. Through the last few weeks I have still meditated and walked and drank water and did all of the things I urge others to do when a crisis in their family happens but it takes time to get back to center when knocked off the balance beam with a baseball bat to the torso. Your head spins, your anxiety kicks in, your eyes cry tears when you tell them not to, and you withdraw, in fear.

But today! Today I woke up and had this huge realization! The times I work passionately and productively are the times I am infused with love and support. The times I can’t even drag my fingers to the mouse to open up my manuscript are the times when I am frozen with fear and replay all of the nasty words that have been said or written to me.

Today I can open up the manuscript and edit, and write and move, and love. Today I can bless and praise the people and organizations who do support this work. Who do mentor and urge this work forward for the good of humanity.

Today I thank: my spirit guides; my life experiences; my husband for his unending support of this work, my oldest son for always seeing the value of this work and telling me I must proceed; my younger children for their patience and ability to let me work; my sister who continually asks great questions, offers support, love, a listening ear and advice for self love; my sister who offers business ideas, support and asks different great questions and offers support; my mom for reading everything that comes across her email that I write and offering her support and encouragement; my mother in law and her husband for always asking how things are going and offering child care and a listening ear; my bonus mom for always having new ideas and knowing this work must be done for all humans everywhere; my dad for being willing to share his story and not asking me to ever change the truth or mask my experience; my friends Amy, Erika, and  Kendra, for seeing the value of this work, for not judging or criticizing, for encouraging and supporting and listening; my friend Krista for always thinking of ways for me to support myself and stay healthy.

Today I thank: my editor, Andrea Weyand, for asking tough questions, being a friend, and offering good advice; Dr. Sally Spencer Thomas and the Carson J. Spencer Foundation for leadership and support, Jarrod Hindman and the Colorado Office of Suicide Prevention for their belief in the necessity of this work and their encouragement, Abby Landemeir for her honest words, and take on suicide prevention efforts, for sharing her story and her thoughts and experiences with me; Erica Kitzman and the Kaylan Rose Cambell Foundation for LIFE for their knowledge, support and belief in this work; John O’Leary and Rising Above, for his kind words of support and encouragement.

Today I am able to act and write from a centered place of love and thus, the manuscript will again lurch forward with injected enthusiasm, and be useful because I am acting and writing out of love, not fear.

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